The Sex Addiction Cycle

People struggling with sexual addiction normally find themselves in a destructive cycle. The cycle may trap them in a repeating pattern of sexual behavior which may damage their relationships, work-life, and their self-esteem. Understanding the pattern is important to help free themselves of the damaging effects it has on their life.

Preoccupation

This is the first phase of the sexual addiction cycle. People start to fantasize about their particular sexual outlet. This may occur during periods of boredom, or as they get closer to an opportunity to act (e.g. the weekend or the end of their work-day). Most sex addicts have typical patterns of sexual behavior that they repeat. As this phase starts, the addict may feel themselves slipping down the path to a destructive behavior. At first they may try push away the thoughts or fight the urges. However, soon the compulsive nature of the addiction kicks in.

Ritualization

During this phase, the addict will start the process of moving closer to fulfillment of their sexual behavior. They may start visiting their favorite porn sites; choose out seductive clothing or head towards their favorite pick-up joints. There tends to be a consistent pattern that the preparations follow. The rituals are part of moving themselves into an alternate reality. Often when addicts look back at this period, they describe themselves as being, "in a trance" or not being themselves. Their normal good judgment and value systems have faded away.

Acting & Climaxing

This is the culmination of the prior phases. The person will take the final step of acting on their compulsions. They may, sleep with an anonymous partner, masturbate to porn, or cheat on their partner. The common factor is that the action is that the action causes harm to their health, relationships, works life or self-esteem. Often addicts will describe never feeling as alive as when they are acting out. These act forms to the most vibrant alive part of their existence.

Shame and Depression

Orgasm is the final release of the sexual experience. We lose awareness for a few moments of ecstasy. Unfortunately, for the addicts, moments after they experience the beautiful release of orgasm, they are overwhelmed by feelings of shame, guilt or disgust. They may as quickly as possible try leave the place where they acted out, or ashamedly put away their pornography. Perhaps they will swear to never act the same way again. The addict is now in the remorse and despair phase. They may experience depression or a dead feeling. This despair is the fuel for another round of the cycle.

With time, uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, discomfort, shame, guilt, and depression start to build. Without a way to manage these feelings, except with the arousal offered by the cycle, the addict will start the cycle once again. For some the cycle will repeat in hours, for others it will take weeks or months to repeat.

Failed attempts to break the cycle: Binging and Purging

The addict is caught in a hellish self-perpetuating cycle. During the "shame and despair" phase the addict may try to get control over their behavior. The cycle may go through periods of escalation and de-escalation. At times the addict may attempt to control the negative effects of the cycle. They may even swear off all sexual activity for a time, or make rigid rules about how they may and may not behave sexually.

 Unfortunately, the periods of restraint or abstinence are almost inevitable followed by periods of sexual binging. This is similar to how people struggle dieting. They are able to restrict their food intake for a while, but with time their will-power fades and they compensate by binging.

How to, "loosen the cycle"

The paths that lead people to sexual addiction are varied.  Some addicts have sexual abuse in their background. For others neglect, trauma or painful life experiences may have contributed to their addiction. Sex is the drug we all carry around with us. Most people discover the pleasurable release that sex provides when they reach puberty. Sex can be used to escape difficult feelings. Over time, sex becomes their go-to method of coping.

I use the phrase, "loosening the cycle" to describe how treatment progresses.  I work with clients to progressively deescalate the cycles over time. The process of deeper understanding themselves and healing the wounds that lead the cycle gradually bring their life under control. The process may involve repair of existing relationships and may involve understanding how past negative relationship effect them.

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